"I heard his blood was in the water and the sharks were circling him. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a metaphor ..."
"If I had a million dollars for everyone who ever called me a bad name - Oh, wait." Lex grinned. "I do."
Affirmations for Personal Growth:
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices too.
11. I need not suffer in silence when I can moan, whimper and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
oops, dropped gun again
how can I hold onto it?
duct tape works nicely ...
Handcuffed to my chair.
Jim, I was only joking
about the pain test ...
How to Annoy your Military Roommate/lover:
2. Every five minutes, get up, open door, peek out, close door, and look relieved.
5. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say "hello". Look confused and hang up.
7. Learn to levitate. While your roommate/lover is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down again.
9. Move your roommate/lover's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
10. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.
13. Announce "nature is calling". Run for the phone. Answer it.
16. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn if off when you are.
17. Respond to your roommate/lover's questions with unrelated answers.
20. Name your animal crackers. Mourn them after you eat them.
26. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate/lover's desk. Include a list of grievances.
33. Whenever you roommate/lover walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
40. Give him/her an allowance.
51. Point west at 3 am every night and yell, "It came from that way!"
I am lost! I have gone to look for myself.
If I should return before I get back,
please ask me to wait. Thank you.
"Don't be afraid of pressure. Remember that pressure is what turns a lump of coal into a diamond."
He was the kind of man I would follow into a burning house with a dunk of petrol under each arm.
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
"The anger of our souls is slowly growing. The blood of our enemies will be flowing. Victory will come. Bloodlust has begun. And hell's rage is all they will be knowing."
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil - for I have 85 tons of steel and weapons and enough firepower to turn this forest to ash!
We're sorry, reality is not in service at this time.
"No matter how subtle the wizard; a knife between the shoulderblades will seriously hamper his style."
"Labeling me an egomaniac is just their sorry attempt to dethrone me as king of the world!"
"You can fax me, phone me, e-mail me, leave voice mail or - failing that, you can walk down the hall and knock on the door."
Remember - no matter where you go, there you are.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you movie bodies.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Bad Spellers of the World - UNTIE!
Halloween Do's and Don'ts:
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
8. If you're searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat - GET THE HELL OUT!
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda triangle or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom:
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
"There's nothing that a good cup of coffee and three feet of sharp steel can't fix."
"I am Homer of Borg. You will be assim... ooooh, donuts!"
"Only two things are infinite, the universe, and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - A Einstein
"Some editors are failed writers - but so are most writers."
"A friend in need is a pest." Fafhrd.
"When things are blackest, I just tell myself 'chear up, things could be worse'. And sure enough, they get worse." - Skeeve
"You countermanded me on whose authority?" Pope John.
"When old friends get together, everything else fade to insignificance." - War, Famine, Pestilence and Death.
"Not only does the English Language borrow words from other languages, it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits them over the head and goes through their pockets." - Eddy Peters.
"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels." Faith Whittlesey.
"--or was it unlock the safe THEN swim to the surface?" H Houdini
148 Things (Not) To Do or Say for your Thesis Defense:
6. Stage your own death/suicide.
9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you -there's a banana in my ear!"
20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids ..."
28. Surreptiously fill the room with laughing gas.
29. Door prizes and a raffle.
30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer ..."
35. The Emperor's New Slides (only fools can't see the writing ...)
58. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
68. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (made-up non-existent room number)
70. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks ...
97. Explode
98. Implode
99. Spontaneously combust.
100. Answer every question with a question.
102. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einsten ..."
107. "I don't know. I didn't write this."
116. Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"
117. Same as #116, except use real bullets.
138. Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
"I'd rather gurgle with razor blades."
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
"I hit the CTRL key, but I'm still not in control!
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Computor messages:
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Access denied = nah nah nah nah nah!
File Not Found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ...
Press any key ... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
Command not understood ... now formatting Drive C.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone!
How to tick off other people:
1. Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
6. Hi-light your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8. Remove every newsgroup on someone's news reader except for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape
9. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisiting entirely of "Beeeep beeep bip beeep bip ..."
10. Leave everyone's printers in compressed-Italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a converstaion is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
14. type only in lowercase
15. don't use any punctuation either
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
18. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
19. Ask people what gender they are.
20. Lie obviously about trivial things like what time it is.
21. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Krycek, the ruthless killer,
Had a very shiny gun,
He murdered Mulder's father,
Then escape when he was done.
But later Mulder found him,
And it was a sight to see,
He had the shit kicked through him,
Cause Mulder was on LSD.
Then when someone bombed his car,
Krycek came to say,
"Cancer Man, you lying scum,
As of now I'm on the run."
And how the viewers loved him,
And they shouted out as one,
"Ratboy, we all forgive you,
For everything you've ever done!"
Top 10 things you won't hear on X-files:
10. Mulder: "Ah, you're right Scully, it's all bullshit!
2. Scully: "By the beard of Zeus, what manner of deviltry is this?"
1. Mulder: "I'm gonna be the best FBI agent today! Because I'm good enough, smart enough and doggone it, people like me!"
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly gray,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.
It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin as a little lamby clone.
And soon it had a fellow clone and soon it had some more-
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.
It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were too many lamby clones for Mary to control.
No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary;
So the scientists resolved it all by simply cloning Mary!
But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do with Mary, Mary, Mary ...
All persons depicted in this work are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. John 5:4
"The pen's mightier than the sword, but it's no match for a gun." - H.M. Murdock.
Coroner Jones carefully examined the battered corpse, checking for any tiny clue that might help identify the deranged serial killer and, finding none, cheerfully pushed the body over the cliff and drove home to set up his alibi.
Ways to annoy your professor:
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for assassins.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fire to your desk. Burn notebooks, papers or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire! and run out of the room in a panic. Do not return for the rest of the class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through the class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream and run away.
11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak". When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN ..."
15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.
21. Get a monkey and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana," and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
50 fun things for Professors to do on the First Day of Class:
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank and serial number.
26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who won't use it.
39. Sprint from the room in panic if you hear sirens outside.
42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
You bash the Balrog
Words © Lee Gold
Tune: Walzing Matilda
Once a jolly Cleric, and a magic-using Elf,
And a mighty Dwarf with a sword plus three
Left their native village - out to get their share of pelf.
You bash the Balrog, while I climb the tree.
First they met a Goblin - with a fire-breathing Hound.
They bashed and they smashed and they scragged them with glee.
Afterwards they searched them - and a Magic Potion found.
You bash the Balrog, while I climb the tree.
The low Wisdom Swordsman picked it up and drank it down,
Changed to a Wolf immediately.
No one could Dispell it, so they headed back to town.
You bash the Balrog, while I climb the tree.
Then a loud voice bellowed, "Who has slain the Goblin King?"
Round turned our heroes; what did they see?
Swooping down upon them was a Balrog on the wing.
You bash the Balrog, while I climb the tree.
"Help," screamed the Cleric; "Ditto," yelled the Elven Mage.
The Wolf whimpered low - and he tried to flee.
The Balrog fell upon them, and his flames began to rage;
You bash the Balrog, while I climb the tree.
They ran through the forest, looking for a place to hide,
Pursued by the Balrog, so fierce to see.
"Wait," cried the Elf Mage; "I have got a plan," he lied.
"You bash the Balrog, while I climb the tree."
Once a mighty Balrog slew a Cleric and an Elf
And a smallish Wolf who had teeth plus three,
Skinned them and tanned their hides...and kept them on a closet shelf.
You bash the Balrog, while I climb the tree.
Alexander the Great had never known defeat, for the very simple reason that Alexander the Great had never known Clark Kent.
Computer error haiku:
As images fade
Behold! The Blue Screen of Death
No one hears your screams
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
Murphy's Laws:
1. In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will.
4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.
5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
6. Everything takes longer than you think.
10a. The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it.
11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
Murphy's Laws relating to design:
2. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable terms. For example, velocity will be expressed in furlongs/fortnight.
Murphy's Laws relating to assembly:
2. Interchangable parts won't.
5. The construction and operational manual will be discarded with the packing material.
5.1. The garbage truck will have picked it up five minutes before the mad dash to the rubbish can.
7. (The Law of Selective Gravitation): A dropped tool will land where it will do the most damage.
Murphy's Laws relating to wiring, test and operation:
1. Any wire cut to length will be too short.
9. If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
Peck's Programming Postulates:
8. Interchangeable tapes won't.
16. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
Finagle's Creed: Science is Truth; don't be misled by facts.
The Finagle Factor:
(Sometimes called the SWAG (Scientific Wild-Assed Guess) Constant)
The quanity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer which you got, yields the answer you should have gotten.
Items such as 'Finagle's Constant' and the more subtle 'Bougerre Factor' are loosely grouped, in mathematics, under constant variables, or, if you prefer, variable constants.
Finagle's Constant, a multiplier of the zero-order term, may be characterized as changing the universe to fit the equation.
The Bougerre (pronounced 'bugger') Factor is characterized as changing the equation to fit the universe. it is also known as the 'Soothing Factor': mathematically similar to the damping factor, it has the characteristic of dropping the subject under discussion to zero importance.
A combination of the two, the Diddle Coefficient, is characterized as changing things so that universe and equation appear to fit without requiring a change in either.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the directions.
Rules of the Lab:
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start att the answer and derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
Further Hints on Write-Ups:
2. No one you ask for help will see the mistake either.
3. Any nagging intruder who stops by with unsought advice will see them immediately.
Clarke's Laws:
3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws: Murphy was an optimist.
The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.
The Army Axiom: Any order that can be understood has been misunderstood
Jone's Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws: When it rains, it pours.
Topper's Corollary to Murphy's Laws: The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
The Snafu Equations:
2. The object or bit of information most needed will be least available
4. In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and failed, there will be one solution, simple, obvious and highly visible to everyone else
From the notebooks of Lazarus Long:
1. Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.
6. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
15. Climate is what we expect. Weather is what we get.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
If A=B and B=C, then A=C except where void or prohibited by law.
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
Gell-Mann's Law: Whatever isn't forbidden is required; thus, if there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist.
Bodies in motion tends to remain in motion. Bodies at rest tend to remain in bed.
The probablitity of someone watching you is propportional to the stupidity of your action.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ... to ...
OOOH Macgregor is dead and his brother don't know, and his brother is dead and Macgregor don't know, and they're both lying dead in the very same BEEEEED-but neither one knows that the other is dead! OOOH Macgregor is dead and--
E-mail
1. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
2. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
3. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
4. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
5. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
6. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
7. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
8. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
9. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of dawn.
10. That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Philosophy
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things: your family, your partner, your health, your children ... things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that matter the most. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Always do the hard part first. If the hard part is impossible, why waste time on the easy part? Once the hard part is done, you're home free.
What, Still Alive At Twenty-Two? by Hugh Kingsmill
"What, still alive at twenty-two,
A clean, upstanding chap like you?
Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
Like enough, you won't be glad,
When they come to hang you, lad:
But bacon's not the only thing,
That's cured by hanging from a string.
So, when the spilt ink of the night
Spreads o'er the blotting-pad of light,
Lads whose job is still to do
Shall whet their knives, and think of you."